Humorous Quotations

Not all quotations are serious. This category is a large collection of humorous quotes.

Showing 145 through 170 of 170 quotations in this category.

"Before I start speaking, I'd like to say something."

-Yogi Bera (?)

"I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers."

-unknown

"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours."

-Yogi Berra

"Self-discipline implies some unpleasant things to me, including staying away from chocolate and keeping my hands out of women's pants."

-Oleg Kiselev

"After the meek inherit the earth, I think we should just kick their butts and take it from them."

-Jim Rosenburg

"Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?"

-unknown

"People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do."

-unknown

"How did Hitler tie his shoes? In little Nazis!"

-unknown

"Every man should have a hobby - but make sure your wife doesn't know about her."

-unknown

"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."

-unknown

"I'm glad cavepeople didn't invent television, because they would havejust sat around and watched talk shows all day instead of creating tools."

-Dave James

"For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord."

-unknown

"Proofread carefully to see if you any words out."

-unknown

"2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2."

-unknown

"Windows: Just another pane in the glass."

-unknown

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."

-Dan Quayle

"Japan is an important ally of ours. Japan and the United States of the Western industrialized capacity, 60 percent of the GNP, two countries. That's a statement in and of itself."

-Dan Quayle

"As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much money. What's important is that you continue to do so."

-Hunter S. Thompson's Samoan attorney

"I had a monumental idea this morning, but I didn't like it."

-Samuel Goldwyn

"You can observe a lot by watching."

-Yogi Bera

"I just hope God grades on a curve."

-unknown

"We made too many wrong mistakes."

-Yogi Bera

"We have deep depth."

-Yogi Bera

"You ever be having a really good dream, and then, uh- right in the middle of the dream you wake up, right in the best part of the dream? And there you are, back in your stinkin' life again? Man, that's rough, eh?"

-Norm MacDonald

"A successful man is one who can earn more money than his wife can possibly spend. A successful woman is one who can find that man."

-unknown

"Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice."

-unknown