Humorous Quotations

Not all quotations are serious. This category is a large collection of humorous quotes.

Showing 109 through 144 of 170 quotations in this category.

"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix."

-Dan Quayle

"I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black Death."

-Jack Handey

"Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis."

-Jack Handey

"The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face."

-Jack Handey

"Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick."

-Jack Handey

"I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality."

-Jack Handey

"'Evil men have no songs.' How is it that the Russians have songs?"

-Friedrich Nietzsche

"It is my misfortune - and probably my delight - to use things as my passions tell me. What a miserable fate for a painter who adores blondes to have to stop himself putting them into a picture because they don't go with the basket of fruit! ... I put all the things I like into my pictures. The things - so much the worse for them. They just have to put up with it."

-Pablo Picasso

"Nothing is as frustrating as arguing with someone who knows what he's talking about."

-Sam Ewing

"If we do not succeed, then we run the risk of failure."

-Dan Quayle

"I just took an IQ test. The results were negative."

-unknown

"If you come to a fork in the road, take it."

-Yogi Bera

"I only watch Baywatch for the articles."

-Cheef Dan

"Everything that can be invented has been invented."

-Charles H. Duell, Director of the U.S. Patent Office, 1899

"Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I've never tried."

-Mae West

"I came, I saw, I shopped a little bit."

-bumper sticker

"Dancing is like a shower: one wrong turn and you're in hot water!"

-MAD Magazine

"Do not worry about your problems with mathematics, I assure you mine are far greater."

-Albert Einstein

"The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be."

-Paul Valery

"I wasn't kidding. I do have a test today. It's on European Socialism. What's the big deal? I'm not European. I don't plan on becoming European. So why should I care if they're socialists? They could be facist, anarchist pigs. It still wouldn't change the fact that I don't have a car."

-Ferris Bueller

"The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver."

-Jay Leno

"There comes a time in every man's life, and I've had many of them."

-Casey Stengel

"Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, 'I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease.' Disraeli replied, 'That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress.'"

-unknown

"Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow."

-Mark Twain

"The aging process has you firmly in its grasp if you never get the urge to throw a snowball."

-Doug Larson

"One day man by the slow processes of evolution shall develop into something really fine and high -- some billions of years hence, say."

-Mark Twain

"Spring is nature's way of saying 'Let's party!'"

-Robin Williams

"It's strange. I think it's kind of a strange hobby to have. I just play soccer."

-Amber, 12, on her mother's collection of AOL disks

"Ninety percent of the game is half mental."

-Yogi Bera

"There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old's life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs."

-Kung Fu Monkey (blogger)

"Faith is when you believe something that you know ain’t true."

-unknown

"I just want to thank everyone who made this day necessary."

-Yogi Berra

"It's like deja-vu, all over again."

-Yogi Bera

"Just give up. Use windows. Use explorer. Buy an SUV for your daily commute. Shop at Fry's. Use PacBell DSL. Listen to top 40. It'll all just be so much easier. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED."

-Hoche

"Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat."

-John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy 1981-1987

"Working with Unix is like wrestling a worthy opponent. Working with windows is like attacking a small whining child who is carrying a .38."

-puck