Humorous Quotations

Not all quotations are serious. This category is a large collection of humorous quotes.

Showing 1 through 36 of 170 quotations in this category.

"I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye."

-Jack Handey

"The Soviet propaganda ministry ordered 10 million condoms from an American manufacturer, all 16" long and 3" in diameter. The American manufacturer filled the order, sending the merchandise in boxes marked 'medium.'"

-unknown

"Sure, your guilt might force you to vote Democrat, but secretly deep down inside you long for the Republicans to lower your taxes, ignore the poor, brutalize prisoners, dictate what goes on in your bedrooms and rule you with an iron fist."

-Sideshow Bob

"You mean it doesn't end with Keanu Reeves waking up, turning to Alex Winter and saying, "Bill, I just had a most excellent dream!"? Shame."

-Simon, UK (from the web) on Matrix: Revolutions

"People don't go there anymore. It's too crowded."

-Yogi Bera

"I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex."

-Jack Handey

"If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank."

-Woody Allen

"Sanity is a one trick pony -- all you have is rational thought. But when you're good and loony, the sky's the limit!"

-The Tick

"We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me."

-Jack Handey

"I can see why it would be prohibited to throw most things off the top of the Empire State Building, but what's wrong with little bits of cheese? They probably break down into their various gases before they even hit."

-Jack Handey

"One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. 'Oh, no,' I said. 'Disneyland burned down.' He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late."

-Jack Handey

"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."

-Douglas Adams

"When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity."

-Albert Einstein

"The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech."

-George Bernard Shaw

"I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas."

-Jack Handey

"To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad."

-Jack Handey

"Shop our store with great deals on the material things you capitalist pigs have been brainwashed into craving."

-Found on Website: UGO Networks, Inc

"There are a thousand forms of subversion, but few can equal the convenience and immediacy of a cream pie."

-Noel Godin

"I am amazed at radio DJ's today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for."

-Jasper Carrott

"Arguing with the moderators is like shaking your fist at God. There's nobody there; and if there is, he's not listening. And if he's listening, all you're doing is pissing him off."

-foobar104, on Slashdot.org

"I want to die sleeping peacefully, - like my grandma; not screaming with horror, - like those, who were as passangers in her car."

-unknown

"If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy."

-Jack Handey

"I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter."

-Winston Churchill

"If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward."

-Jack Handey

"The supreme irony of life is hardly anyone ever gets out of it alive."

-Robert Heinlein

"Don't knock the weather; nine-tenths of the people couldn't start a conversation if it didn't change once in a while."

-Kin Hubbard

"If your eye falls on a bargain, pick it up."

-unknown

"If the people don't want to come out to the park, nobody's gonna stop them."

-Yogi Berra

"We should develop anti-satellite weapons because we could not have prevailed without them in 'Red Storm Rising'. "

-Dan Quayle

"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying."

-Woody Allen

"Out the 10Base-T, through the router, down the T1, over the leased line, off the bridge, past the firewall...nothing but Net."

-unknown

"I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when you looked at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated."

-Poul Anderson

"I think that I shall never see a billboard lovely as a tree. Perhaps, unless the billboards fall, I'll never see a tree at all."

-Ogden Nash

"Confidence is the feeling you sometimes have before you fully understand the situation."

-unknown

"A hen is only an egg's way of making another egg."

-Samuel Butler

"A man always remembers his first love with special tenderness, but after that he begins to bunch them."

-Henry Louis Mencken