Humorous Quotations

Not all quotations are serious. This category is a large collection of humorous quotes.

Showing 37 through 72 of 170 quotations in this category.

"What I'm against is quotas. I'm against hard quotas, quotas that basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society."

-George W. Bush

"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."

-Groucho Marx

"There are three stages of a man's life: When he believes in Santa Claus, when he doesn't believe in Santa Claus, and when he is Santa Claus."

-unknown

"You don't have to swim faster than the shark, just faster than the guy next to you."

-unknown

"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me."

-Hunter S. Thompson

"A hen is only an egg's way of making another egg."

-Samuel Butler

"3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."

-unknown

"In a survey taken several years ago, all incoming freshman at MIT were asked if they expected to graduate in the top half of their class. Ninety-seven percent responded that they did."

-unknown

"Confidence is the feeling you sometimes have before you fully understand the situation."

-unknown

"Out the 10Base-T, through the router, down the T1, over the leased line, off the bridge, past the firewall...nothing but Net."

-unknown

"668: The Neighbor of the Beast."

-unknown

"A man always remembers his first love with special tenderness, but after that he begins to bunch them."

-Henry Louis Mencken

"I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when you looked at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated."

-Poul Anderson

"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying."

-Woody Allen

"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base."

-Dave Barry

"Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself."

-Mark Twain

"Don't knock the weather; nine-tenths of the people couldn't start a conversation if it didn't change once in a while."

-Kin Hubbard

"If the people don't want to come out to the park, nobody's gonna stop them."

-Yogi Berra

"No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy."

-Henry Kissinger

"A good vacuum really sucks."

-unknown

"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix."

-Dan Quayle

"Sometimes it pays to stay in bed in Monday, rather than spending the rest of the week debuging Monday's code."

-Dan Salomon

"I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black Death."

-Jack Handey

"If at first you don't succeed, well, so much for skydiving."

-Victor O'Reilly

"I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it."

-unknown

"I've always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific."

-Lily Tomlin

"Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead."

-The Warner Brothers (Animaniacs)

"You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer."

-Frank Zappa

"When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear."

-Mark Twain

"I think I'll believe in Gosh instead of God. If you don't believe in Gosh too, you'll be darned to heck."

-unknown

"If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason."

-Jack Handey

"As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!"

-Jack Handey

"A friend is someone who will help you move; A good friend is someone who will help you move a body."

-unknown

"I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality."

-Jack Handey

"I do not care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members."

-Groucho Marx

"If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?"

-Art Hoppe